My husband and I had a lot of conversations about birthday parties when we started our family in the early 2000s. I watched a friend who was lamenting over parties after her daughter turned 1. They had parties with both sides of the family, a party with playdate friends and another with childcare friends, since they had trouble getting schedules together to match and their house wouldn't have been able to hold everyone if they had done all of them at one time. The aftermath left enough toys to stock a small toy store and some serious dents to the budget of a young family. With another child on the way she was wondering how they were going to handle two of these momentous occasions a year.
The concerns that family was facing was enough to spur some conversations at our home. The first big decision we made was to wait on parties. My first memories of child hood are, at best, from two years old, my husbands from four or five, and most of them are a bit hazy, probably made clearer by photos and stories that we've seen. We felt that we wouldn't scar our children by holding off on something that they would most likely not remember.
Now that doesn't mean we didn't celebrate. We baked a cake, had a nice meal, and bought a toy or two and wrapped it. If the grandparents were in town they were welcome to join us, but we kept it small. The year my oldest turned 2, I had a newborn and we were moving. In the middle of all of that we got a supersize chocolate glazed muffin and put two candles in it. It was a year where I was happy her favorite food was mac and cheese, because we could do that in a microwave. And packing paper and washable markers makes great wrapping paper and doubled for an activity to keep her busy while we were trying to get furniture reassembled and boxes unpacked.
It worked. She was happy. She felt celebrated. And we didn't damage an already limited budget at a stretched time. It started a family tradition - every child in our house has had a supersize muffin when they turned 2. And it spurred more conversations about birthdays and parties and what that might look like going forwards. Because we saw change on the horizon.
We wanted to have birthday parties where our children invited friends. We just wanted to control the cost, size, and frequency. Having a party every year for every child would have been more than stretching us. So we came up with a plan. One party a year and it would rotate whose turn it was. The way the dates fell for us that meant our children had parties when they turned 5, 9, and 13.
Those ages were chosen carefully too. 5 fell before Kindergarten and the class rules that said you had to invite the entire class if you invited children from school. It gave us a chance to have cousins and friends from church and with the smaller guest list made places like Chuck E Cheese & Build A Bear feasible options. By age 9 our children were old enough to get the addresses of friends at school and the invites could be mailed out and avoid the "invite the whole class" issues. 13 fell before 15 or 16, because we wanted to stay away from the "coming of age parties" associated with those. It meant that we skipped those years all together in the "party zone" because the next increment is 17.
Yes, we are planners and assessors.
But strangely enough, here on the other side, I can say that it worked. The kids had parties that were similar to those they had been invited to. They didn't feel short-changed. And on that last "big party" year, we set aside some funds and put in the time to make it a "cool party." It didn't break us, and it didn't break the kids.
The goals were to have well adjusted children who didn't feel slighted by not having the massive input of "Birthday Party Fever" that seemed rampant in their elementary years with one suburban family trying to out-do the next. It was to celebrate our children in a way that fit in our means.
It isn't for everyone. Because every family is different and has different needs, different children, different budgets. But I have learned some important things that cross those boundaries. Truths that fit, no matter where you are at with your family.
1. It's really OK to not do what every other kid on the block is doing.
That's easy to say, but it isn't easy to do sometimes. And there have been times where I have had to be more open about our choices to be a bit different than I would like to. When I have had to explain to a mom-friend that the reason their child didn't get a birthday invite this year isn't because their child has fell out of favor, but because we aren't having a party for that child. The reactions have ranged from understanding and supportive to those who seem taken aback, to the mom who felt sorry for my child and offered to put on a party for her. And while I know that it was well-intentioned, those places were awkward and uncomfortable to figure out.
But, my girls have learned that it is OK to not be like everyone else. That you choose the path right for you. And that has been worth every moment of halting explanation or social awkwardness.
2. Being intentional isn't a bad thing.
Planning and assessing birthday parties sounds a little obsessive, but it was a part of the fabric of family life and it was a choice that we made that stood away from the culture that we were living within. We wanted to find a balance, and that meant a little extra thought, a little extra planning, a little extra creative thinking, and a bit of evaluation. No matter what your choices on birthdays or breast-feeding, or education, or work/life balance - having had discussions about why and what goals you want to reach and how you are going to try to attempt that is a plus. Intentionality is a good thing.
3. Flexibility helps
Planning is a strength as long as we can adjust when plans don't fly the direction we thought they would. That happens - it does. We had spots where we wondered if our ideologies had harmed our oldest, because she wasn't getting invited to other parties, and where she was struggling with building friendships, and you wonder if the frameworks you have set up need to be set aside for other more important reasons.
You adjust some things because your youngest's 13th birthday falls three days before the start of Middle School - so you put her party off for six months so that she can form solid relationships at a new school before you ask her to invite friends. Because those parties are a great window into the people that she hangs with on a daily basis. They are things that help build relationships, and you don't want an awkward date to hamper that.
When the cake topper that you worked on for two straight days topples off the top of the cake and smashes the antique carnival glass candy dish from your grandmother. You breathe deep and you clean-up and then count the positives. None of the glass went towards the cake, the topper was salvageable, and the bowl of the candy dish was still intact, only the cover bit the dust, and let's face it, it was a bit too ornate for your tastes anyways... You don't let it ruin the occasion, because you won't have another chance next year.
So here I sit, the parties are all done. 17 means eating out at a nice restaurant. And I am OK with that. I am sure that there is a time when I will miss the planning and the sticky cake decorating and the list of details that need to get done by a certain date. But for right now I'm in the evaluation stage, and happy, because I think I can say - It worked and they all turned out good. And if there are friends who are tired of another day of birthday photos, please know this won't be an every year occurrence. In fact, it might be a very long time before it happens again.
2. Being intentional isn't a bad thing.
Planning and assessing birthday parties sounds a little obsessive, but it was a part of the fabric of family life and it was a choice that we made that stood away from the culture that we were living within. We wanted to find a balance, and that meant a little extra thought, a little extra planning, a little extra creative thinking, and a bit of evaluation. No matter what your choices on birthdays or breast-feeding, or education, or work/life balance - having had discussions about why and what goals you want to reach and how you are going to try to attempt that is a plus. Intentionality is a good thing.
3. Flexibility helps
Planning is a strength as long as we can adjust when plans don't fly the direction we thought they would. That happens - it does. We had spots where we wondered if our ideologies had harmed our oldest, because she wasn't getting invited to other parties, and where she was struggling with building friendships, and you wonder if the frameworks you have set up need to be set aside for other more important reasons.
You adjust some things because your youngest's 13th birthday falls three days before the start of Middle School - so you put her party off for six months so that she can form solid relationships at a new school before you ask her to invite friends. Because those parties are a great window into the people that she hangs with on a daily basis. They are things that help build relationships, and you don't want an awkward date to hamper that.
When the cake topper that you worked on for two straight days topples off the top of the cake and smashes the antique carnival glass candy dish from your grandmother. You breathe deep and you clean-up and then count the positives. None of the glass went towards the cake, the topper was salvageable, and the bowl of the candy dish was still intact, only the cover bit the dust, and let's face it, it was a bit too ornate for your tastes anyways... You don't let it ruin the occasion, because you won't have another chance next year.
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| When your mom makes cool cakes for everyone else, it's nice when she makes one for you. |
So here I sit, the parties are all done. 17 means eating out at a nice restaurant. And I am OK with that. I am sure that there is a time when I will miss the planning and the sticky cake decorating and the list of details that need to get done by a certain date. But for right now I'm in the evaluation stage, and happy, because I think I can say - It worked and they all turned out good. And if there are friends who are tired of another day of birthday photos, please know this won't be an every year occurrence. In fact, it might be a very long time before it happens again.
