www July 23rd - Discouragement, Stink Bugs, & Back Again

Why did I say I was going to blog on Wednesday? Wednesdays are really my least favorite day of the week. By this time I am dragging physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am forgetting which camper goes with which parent, the wrong names come out of my mouth when I look at my co-workers, and sometimes I feel like hiding rather than dealing with yet another hitting, shoving, fighting, not-listening, out of control child.

Oh, that's right - I thought it would be healthy to try and be positive on Wednesdays, that if I told everyone out there that I was going to write about what I saw that was happening that was good, and right, and of God, that it might force me to look for those positives instead of being pulled under by the negatives. Cool in theory, but I can honestly say that I thought several times today, "What in the world am I going to write about tonight?"

Now to be honest given a nice long ride home in a van full of quiet, tuckered out children, I was able to realize that a lot of really good things did actually occur today. A child with anger management issues repeatedly choose to handle difficulties in a right way; some young volunteers are growing in confidence, responsibility, and skill; we got to show appreciation to some of our support staff, and I still look at the team that I work with and am in awe of what a great crew we have, oh, and I got to wear my PJs to work.

Yet during the day today those positives peaked quickly and I found myself lingering in the low spots, the places where you think:

• will this child ever follow a direction - ever?
• we're going to figure out what works only to never see them again after this week - or the next - it's too short of a time, so why bother with this level of input into them?
• kids these days are so disrespectful and defiant - what's going on?     

And those thoughts take you to dark places quickly. Until you figure out how to diffuse them. For me that means thinking them through a bit - because I do that. Other people can listen to upbeat music to pull themselves out of pessimism - me, I need to process mentally. So going backwards let's look at those thoughts:

• kids these days are so disrespectful and defiant - what's going on?    

I will admit that there is such a thing as moral decline. History kind of proves that. However, I am not ready to jump on the "America [or this generation, or the world itself] is going to h*** in a handbasket" bandwagon. Maybe because I believe that no matter where in the ramp of social moral decline we find ourselves, we are individually morally bankrupt behind whatever society we've built to hide behind, and those at the founding of a "just and moral" nation are no less sinners than those at the point where the mortar has begun to wear thin. Yes, the kids are disrespectful and defiant. And I am proud and unbending, given to negative thinking and prone to fall into self-reliance and frustration. God's Word has a lot to say about us both, and to be honest it reads quite a bit harsher on the items on my list than the items on the little ones that started me on a cynical rant of hopelessness about a downward moral spiral that is in reality the crumbling of an outer mask. The problem has always been with us and will continue to be.

The other side of this is that I need to remember that for the dozen kids I pulled aside today for re-direction, reminders, time-outs and talking about consequences - there were a hundred more that I did not have to do that with. There are a ton of sweet obedient respectful children that I ignore completely when I start this line of thinking - and that puts me in a mental /emotional place that is not at all fair to them.

• we're going to figure out what works only to never see them again after this week - or the next - it's too short of a time, so why bother with this level of input into them?

My first year as a camper, I was excited. I still remember the guy who gave the sermons and that he talked about Jonah in a way I'd never heard from my very sedate Sunday School teachers. I remember the polished tree log where they threw mattresses underneath and you got up on it, legs locked around that slippery surface and had pillow fights until one of you dropped to the mattresses below. I remember grape soda, and bats in the cabins. I remember catching frogs - big frogs, the ring of the cook banging a serving spoon against an empty coffee tin, and that camp food tasted better than any other.

But when it comes to meaningful conversations and moments that I had there - I basically remember one big thing. We had played a game where two teams faced off and claimed numbers down one line and back up the other, an old burlap sack was placed in the center of that mountain field between those battle lines and the idea was that you would run out and drag the sack back across the line. When my number was called I ran. And I pulled for all I was worth - and then more numbers were called, but only those from the other team came out. I was drug across that mountain field for at least 10 yards maybe more, on my back, because I was too stubborn to let go until I blacked out. 

When I came to, I was laying stomach down  on an ancient bed with a lot of bandages where the rocks and field grass had managed to get the upper hand over the skin on my back. The activities director was there - he was red faced, I didn't find out till later that he had run me to the nurses station. And to my surprise he sat down and talked to me. Not about weighty spiritual things, but about what I liked about camp, what I wanted to be when I grew up and finally about why I hadn't simply let go of that silly burlap sack. He laughed with me about that, and told me that sometimes being stubborn was OK - but next time if it hurt to let go. 

Outside of his games which he ran with all the campers present, he probably spent ten minutes with me, five of which I was unconscious for. And yet 35 years later I remember that conversation. I guess the point is - that we have the campers for the time God gives us. I cannot give into the idea that it isn't enough - 5 minutes can make an indelible memory.

• will this child ever follow a direction - ever?

Hey self, does it really matter?  Weren't you just the other day telling someone that what we do doesn't matter as much as whether or not we are loved? Yeah, I know that you meant it in the context of special needs, but maybe you just need to start looking at general misbehavior as another form of special needs. After all we are all "on the spectrum" we are all broken people. So yes, follow what you need to to accomplish the purposes that we are striving for, if a child is disruptive or a distraction - yes we have to deal with it. Safety, yes deal with it. But also remember that:

When you look for the 

bad in mankind, 

expecting to find it, 

you surely will. 

(The above quote can be attributed to Abraham Lincoln, or Polyanna or both. And maybe because of the movie Polyanna, it sticks with me.)

I am loving our camp worship songs this week, but there is one particular song that I can't get out of my head. It's bug week, and we have an awesome worship director who found this gem of a song:

It's silly, but yeah so so true. God knows who we are beyond our misbehavior, beyond our pride and self-reliance, and beyond our hurts. He knows, and he loves us all. So whether I am looking at "stink bug behavior" at camp, or my own stinky thoughts and feelings - there is still a whole lot of hope - because we have a big big God who loves little little us.