wwW - August 6th - the road paved with broken dreams

It has been a year of letting go of some life-long dreams to see what God will put in their place. [I wish I could say that letting go was all done graciously, but I'm afraid it was not all that way.]



I had this concept of what running a middle school youth group would look like. Lot's of energetic teens sitting eagerly in small groups to take in and talk about the Bible. Instead reality was a lot different. The energy is there, no doubt about that, but my idea of who God would send us to camp out in our living room - well - God blew me out of the water on that one. Kids from across town and across the spectrum, of all levels of ability and different places in life. From non-verbal autisim to athiest our group is nothing that I could have imagined. God has touched us through this group. And no they don't eagerly sit down to participate in small group discussions like I imagined, but they do eagerly take in videos about the Bible.

Oddly enough my work with our autistic student (and some healthy desperation after two years of looking for non-existent part-time educator positions) led me to a new career as a special needs aide. It was a job that I learned to love, but some dreams died the day I accepted the position. After wanting to be an astronaut, my second, and more reasonable, career choice has always been teaching. It was one of the things I felt I could do: even do well. And while my new job involved a lot of care-giving and learning, I can resolutely say that it involved no teaching. I might work in education, but I am not an educator right now. And God has brought me peace about that. because it is where I am supposed to be at least for this season.

And finally looking to camp. When I applied, I applied to Camp Vertical (2nd - 5th grade) not Camp Zoom (4-6yrs). For someone who thought they would be teaching high school science, pre-school is a stretch. But I knew I didn't want to float around the edges of camp again this year - so when the offer came, and it was Zoom - I took it. I am sure that my thoughts were along the lines that I would probably serve a year there, hopefully be asked back and move on to the older program.

I had no idea what I would learn about myself and camp after a summer spent in the pre-school program.

Could I thrive in the older age range - probably, but I also now see some issues there that I didn't before. My age, personality, and background seems to lend itself to being the camp "enforcer". The time out bench is often my domain. And the cool thing about that has been the relationships that have been forged at that bench. One of the things that continually amaze me is that the campers who sit there are also the ones that seek me out to sit by me in large group or give me a hug when they come in each morning. Those connections are priceless beyond measure.

But I look at that domain and in Zoom there are other momma bears to share that load. It gives a foundation to a program with a few more tricks that the span of years has brought, the patience that staying up nights with infants (or teens), the shared experiences of having our own children "on the spectrum", the invaluable steel of the "mom voice" - that no-nonsence "nah-ah" that means you will stop this behavior now, laughing together with a friend that holds my respect and trust as we roll up the bouncy castle, and the glances over the heads of campers that give the security that we are in this as a team.

The visible part of camp function falls to teens and twenty-somethings that I have grown to respect and love this summer. They tackle camp with an energy that is long gone for me, and with skills that I either don't have, or am rusty with. There is no way I could choreograph motions to a song in under five minutes. I struggle figuring out which place to press on the ipods at check-out, and far after my own touch-meter has overflowed - they are still willing to give out piggy back rides and hugs. They lead worship with enthusiasm and joy and to any parents reading this - please know that they care genuinely about the little ones in their charge. This is far far more than a summer job for them - it truly is ministry.And they are good at it.

Then there is my chosen age group, the teens and pre-teens that I thought I wouldn't get to work with. They are alongside in the trenches - they keep the non-visible part of camp running. Lunch boxes and snacks get to where they are going because of these kids (and that IS a very big deal). They set-up, tear down, and often learn as they go about how camp runs. In a few years they will fill the ranks as staff instead of volunteers, but for now I am simply loving the quirkiness and energy of students that still need direction from us, who aren't quite there as far as leadership, but who are growing leaps and bounds every day. In many ways I feel that middle schoolers are ripe for spiritual growth spurts - and I love watching that process happen.

The little ones - yep they teach me more than I am often willing to admit. Resilience, humor (when do we loose that?), joy, curiosity, interdependence on others, readiness to forgive. . . . my summer has been overflowing with lessons from these little lives. Under the guise of helping to run a program for them to have fun and learn about God's story, they are the ones who are teaching, and I am the student. It is role reversal of the best type.

What I am left with is the incomprehensible feeling that as well as I thought I knew myself, God has known better. Standing in the scraps of my broken goals and dreams I have found a place that has touched me more than I could have thought possible. What I didn't think was a good fit, God has used greatly in my own life.

So Camp Zoom - all the people that the title means - Thank you - I've come home.

And God, thanks for turning on the porch light that I didn't know was my own.