Freedom

I am working on several themed duct tape book satchels today. My most challenging one is for Exploint No More and is supposed to be on the topic of freedom.

The term freedom in this case means freedom from human trafficking, sexual exploitation, and on a deeper level, spiritual freedom from those dark places.

It's hard to find an image that I want to use. I can immediately bypass the images of the American flag, Lady Liberty, bald eagles - even one of an upended M-16 with a soldiers helmet reminding me of the cost that we pay. But this is a different cost and a different war.

I can't seem to bond with images of birds or butterflies being set free, while some are very beautiful - I feel they speak to the animals freedom and today I don't feel very much like a bird. Though I would love the freedom of flight. Broken shackles and chains reminds me of different types of prison, and I realize that today I am locked into a very literal mood on a concept that can't be so literally defined.

There are themes - humans jumping for joy - arms outstretched with abandon. Jumping into the surf, jumping in a field of flowers, jumping off cliffs. . . .  that last one chimes.

Why this one? After all jumping off a cliff has a good chance of a messy ending. Casts, traction, years of therapy, metal implants, and coffins are decidedly not images of freedom. From someone who at one point contemplated suicide as a form of freedom - I guess I could see it from that angle. But I don't think that these images are speaking to the dark thoughts I had in that stage of my life.

These jumps are about letting go - for me - of fears that hold  back. I am deeply acrophobic, and a slew of other unreasonable fears have started to creep in at various points in my life. Try explaining "fear of waterparks" to your teenager. I detest social conflict so much that I become unsociable. Solitude suits me well, even though I know it is unhealthy. I would love to jump away from these fears, and maybe even away from the boundaries of the "common sense" logic that often drives my decision making.

I would love to jump away from unspoken social rules that dictate who I am and what I can do, housework, squabbling kids, mommy guilt, the need to decide what is for supper.

And with that statement I realize if I take that jump I will find rocks at the bottom of my cliff. Somethings we do need to try and escape - we should be looking for ways to end injustice and suffering. And God doesn't want his children bound by fear. There are things we should desire freedom from.

Other times, while a break from the "mom job" might be quite healthy, dropping the role altogether isn't real freedom. Freedom from social interaction is another one of those areas, though I have less success in stating reasons why - call it a gut instinct. Maybe it is the fact that we need to be cautious about desiring a freedom from responsibility - in any of it's forms. Whether that is deciding on tonight's menu or recognizing that human trafficking is right outside my door and that I need to do what I can to help.

So my mind circles this morning, picking at the concept of freedom. Time to stop mulling it over and get out my duct tape.

Confidence

I  did something last week that a few years ago I never would have thought possible. I stepped in as a last minute driver for a youth group work team. Doesn't sound so big, but for me it was. I grew up in a tiny town with one stop light. As a teen driver I drove blocks out of my way to avoid the light on Main and Center, and that pattern continued into adult life. As a young married, I walked everywhere I could trying to avoid driving. Finally as a young mom, I got used to a minivan, but only on roads and paths that I knew. Google Maps made a cross country vacation an option. You would laugh to see the printed out collection of maps and the time I spent on "street view" methodically making sure I knew how to get from the highway exit to the hotel parking lot. But even with Google, I wouldn't have tackled last weeks driving opportunity.

Rush hour traffic, downtown congestion, parallel parking, one way streets, road construction. . . . combined with a van full of junior high students and destinations that I was totally unfamiliar with. Yet it happened. In large due to GPS. Probably the best $100 investment we have made in the last few years. It satisfies my visual nature giving me a nice pink line to follow. Even more important, if I miss a turn, run into construction, or veer off the path it calculates a route to the destination based on my new coordinates. I don't have to worry about getting lost, or navigating a map. Instead I can concentrate on traffic and driving. And that is just enough to make me a much more confident driver.

I've been mulling over this concept of confidence a lot the last week or two. I'm not a highly confident person. I'm riddled with insecurity and self doubt. I feel socially inept, prone to saying the wrong thing and wondering when, if ever, I will have the confidence to tackle this squirelly moving entity called "life."

I think one of my biggest problems is that I have been looking for that confidence to come from within. And to be honest chances of that happening are slimmer than me being able to get through a metro area in a bus full of preschoolers. cats, and frogs without electronic navigation.

Because I am so broken.
I am self-centered, selfish even when I appear to be giving. Motives are so often focused inwards.
I carry my emotional baggage around hoping someone will notice how much I'm struggling, and get upset when there isn't any comfort. Then I get mad at myself for my inability to let go of that tattered baggage. I add a brand new set of luggage and bury myself in busyness. Trying to anesthetize my sense of brokeness. And then I try to do what many in the church have done, and I try to rejoice in my brokeness.

It's a catch phrase to be certain. But think about it. When was the last time you saw a child thrilled that a favorite toy was broken? No, being broken isn't a cause for rejoicing, but grieving. So I am going to allow my self some space for grief. And then I am going to move on and look for a source of confidence outside of myself.

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8 NLT

But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. Psalm 3:3 NIV

I've come to the easy conclusion that my GPS is not an internal part of me. I don't have a satellite up-link in my brain (thank goodness and cue Dr. Who). Yet I've gained considerable confidence in having it sitting on the dash of my car.

And now I need to focus on a God who loves me, even a broken me. I can gain confidence in that external source. I need a little practice, because focusing on God has gotten rusty as I've turned most of my thinking inwards. We are taught to be reflective, and at times I could say that is a strength. Yet I'm finding that constant internal evaluation can also be a symptom of self-absorption. And yeah, I've been walking that dusty road far too much lately.

Time to lift up my head.
No, scratch that. . .
Time to look at God and let him do the lifting.