Confidence

I  did something last week that a few years ago I never would have thought possible. I stepped in as a last minute driver for a youth group work team. Doesn't sound so big, but for me it was. I grew up in a tiny town with one stop light. As a teen driver I drove blocks out of my way to avoid the light on Main and Center, and that pattern continued into adult life. As a young married, I walked everywhere I could trying to avoid driving. Finally as a young mom, I got used to a minivan, but only on roads and paths that I knew. Google Maps made a cross country vacation an option. You would laugh to see the printed out collection of maps and the time I spent on "street view" methodically making sure I knew how to get from the highway exit to the hotel parking lot. But even with Google, I wouldn't have tackled last weeks driving opportunity.

Rush hour traffic, downtown congestion, parallel parking, one way streets, road construction. . . . combined with a van full of junior high students and destinations that I was totally unfamiliar with. Yet it happened. In large due to GPS. Probably the best $100 investment we have made in the last few years. It satisfies my visual nature giving me a nice pink line to follow. Even more important, if I miss a turn, run into construction, or veer off the path it calculates a route to the destination based on my new coordinates. I don't have to worry about getting lost, or navigating a map. Instead I can concentrate on traffic and driving. And that is just enough to make me a much more confident driver.

I've been mulling over this concept of confidence a lot the last week or two. I'm not a highly confident person. I'm riddled with insecurity and self doubt. I feel socially inept, prone to saying the wrong thing and wondering when, if ever, I will have the confidence to tackle this squirelly moving entity called "life."

I think one of my biggest problems is that I have been looking for that confidence to come from within. And to be honest chances of that happening are slimmer than me being able to get through a metro area in a bus full of preschoolers. cats, and frogs without electronic navigation.

Because I am so broken.
I am self-centered, selfish even when I appear to be giving. Motives are so often focused inwards.
I carry my emotional baggage around hoping someone will notice how much I'm struggling, and get upset when there isn't any comfort. Then I get mad at myself for my inability to let go of that tattered baggage. I add a brand new set of luggage and bury myself in busyness. Trying to anesthetize my sense of brokeness. And then I try to do what many in the church have done, and I try to rejoice in my brokeness.

It's a catch phrase to be certain. But think about it. When was the last time you saw a child thrilled that a favorite toy was broken? No, being broken isn't a cause for rejoicing, but grieving. So I am going to allow my self some space for grief. And then I am going to move on and look for a source of confidence outside of myself.

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. Romans 5:8 NLT

But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. Psalm 3:3 NIV

I've come to the easy conclusion that my GPS is not an internal part of me. I don't have a satellite up-link in my brain (thank goodness and cue Dr. Who). Yet I've gained considerable confidence in having it sitting on the dash of my car.

And now I need to focus on a God who loves me, even a broken me. I can gain confidence in that external source. I need a little practice, because focusing on God has gotten rusty as I've turned most of my thinking inwards. We are taught to be reflective, and at times I could say that is a strength. Yet I'm finding that constant internal evaluation can also be a symptom of self-absorption. And yeah, I've been walking that dusty road far too much lately.

Time to lift up my head.
No, scratch that. . .
Time to look at God and let him do the lifting.