www July 23rd - Discouragement, Stink Bugs, & Back Again

Why did I say I was going to blog on Wednesday? Wednesdays are really my least favorite day of the week. By this time I am dragging physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am forgetting which camper goes with which parent, the wrong names come out of my mouth when I look at my co-workers, and sometimes I feel like hiding rather than dealing with yet another hitting, shoving, fighting, not-listening, out of control child.

Oh, that's right - I thought it would be healthy to try and be positive on Wednesdays, that if I told everyone out there that I was going to write about what I saw that was happening that was good, and right, and of God, that it might force me to look for those positives instead of being pulled under by the negatives. Cool in theory, but I can honestly say that I thought several times today, "What in the world am I going to write about tonight?"

Now to be honest given a nice long ride home in a van full of quiet, tuckered out children, I was able to realize that a lot of really good things did actually occur today. A child with anger management issues repeatedly choose to handle difficulties in a right way; some young volunteers are growing in confidence, responsibility, and skill; we got to show appreciation to some of our support staff, and I still look at the team that I work with and am in awe of what a great crew we have, oh, and I got to wear my PJs to work.

Yet during the day today those positives peaked quickly and I found myself lingering in the low spots, the places where you think:

• will this child ever follow a direction - ever?
• we're going to figure out what works only to never see them again after this week - or the next - it's too short of a time, so why bother with this level of input into them?
• kids these days are so disrespectful and defiant - what's going on?     

And those thoughts take you to dark places quickly. Until you figure out how to diffuse them. For me that means thinking them through a bit - because I do that. Other people can listen to upbeat music to pull themselves out of pessimism - me, I need to process mentally. So going backwards let's look at those thoughts:

• kids these days are so disrespectful and defiant - what's going on?    

I will admit that there is such a thing as moral decline. History kind of proves that. However, I am not ready to jump on the "America [or this generation, or the world itself] is going to h*** in a handbasket" bandwagon. Maybe because I believe that no matter where in the ramp of social moral decline we find ourselves, we are individually morally bankrupt behind whatever society we've built to hide behind, and those at the founding of a "just and moral" nation are no less sinners than those at the point where the mortar has begun to wear thin. Yes, the kids are disrespectful and defiant. And I am proud and unbending, given to negative thinking and prone to fall into self-reliance and frustration. God's Word has a lot to say about us both, and to be honest it reads quite a bit harsher on the items on my list than the items on the little ones that started me on a cynical rant of hopelessness about a downward moral spiral that is in reality the crumbling of an outer mask. The problem has always been with us and will continue to be.

The other side of this is that I need to remember that for the dozen kids I pulled aside today for re-direction, reminders, time-outs and talking about consequences - there were a hundred more that I did not have to do that with. There are a ton of sweet obedient respectful children that I ignore completely when I start this line of thinking - and that puts me in a mental /emotional place that is not at all fair to them.

• we're going to figure out what works only to never see them again after this week - or the next - it's too short of a time, so why bother with this level of input into them?

My first year as a camper, I was excited. I still remember the guy who gave the sermons and that he talked about Jonah in a way I'd never heard from my very sedate Sunday School teachers. I remember the polished tree log where they threw mattresses underneath and you got up on it, legs locked around that slippery surface and had pillow fights until one of you dropped to the mattresses below. I remember grape soda, and bats in the cabins. I remember catching frogs - big frogs, the ring of the cook banging a serving spoon against an empty coffee tin, and that camp food tasted better than any other.

But when it comes to meaningful conversations and moments that I had there - I basically remember one big thing. We had played a game where two teams faced off and claimed numbers down one line and back up the other, an old burlap sack was placed in the center of that mountain field between those battle lines and the idea was that you would run out and drag the sack back across the line. When my number was called I ran. And I pulled for all I was worth - and then more numbers were called, but only those from the other team came out. I was drug across that mountain field for at least 10 yards maybe more, on my back, because I was too stubborn to let go until I blacked out. 

When I came to, I was laying stomach down  on an ancient bed with a lot of bandages where the rocks and field grass had managed to get the upper hand over the skin on my back. The activities director was there - he was red faced, I didn't find out till later that he had run me to the nurses station. And to my surprise he sat down and talked to me. Not about weighty spiritual things, but about what I liked about camp, what I wanted to be when I grew up and finally about why I hadn't simply let go of that silly burlap sack. He laughed with me about that, and told me that sometimes being stubborn was OK - but next time if it hurt to let go. 

Outside of his games which he ran with all the campers present, he probably spent ten minutes with me, five of which I was unconscious for. And yet 35 years later I remember that conversation. I guess the point is - that we have the campers for the time God gives us. I cannot give into the idea that it isn't enough - 5 minutes can make an indelible memory.

• will this child ever follow a direction - ever?

Hey self, does it really matter?  Weren't you just the other day telling someone that what we do doesn't matter as much as whether or not we are loved? Yeah, I know that you meant it in the context of special needs, but maybe you just need to start looking at general misbehavior as another form of special needs. After all we are all "on the spectrum" we are all broken people. So yes, follow what you need to to accomplish the purposes that we are striving for, if a child is disruptive or a distraction - yes we have to deal with it. Safety, yes deal with it. But also remember that:

When you look for the 

bad in mankind, 

expecting to find it, 

you surely will. 

(The above quote can be attributed to Abraham Lincoln, or Polyanna or both. And maybe because of the movie Polyanna, it sticks with me.)

I am loving our camp worship songs this week, but there is one particular song that I can't get out of my head. It's bug week, and we have an awesome worship director who found this gem of a song:

It's silly, but yeah so so true. God knows who we are beyond our misbehavior, beyond our pride and self-reliance, and beyond our hurts. He knows, and he loves us all. So whether I am looking at "stink bug behavior" at camp, or my own stinky thoughts and feelings - there is still a whole lot of hope - because we have a big big God who loves little little us.

wwW July 16 - Something is going right here

I have stood on the side and watched Camp Vertical and Camp Zoom since they started. My children have grown up here. I checked them in and hovered, waiting, watching to see what the program was going to be like, listening to see what my children would be taught, picking up staff handbooks left here and there and leafing through them with the intrusive nosiness that only a mom can have.

My kids had fun, lots and lots of fun. And they built relationships with the staff. Camp grew over the years  as did my children and when my oldest daughter first grew out of being a camper and joined as a volunteer, I sat in wonderment as I looked over an amphitheater full of students, lots of them - sitting through training for the summer to come. I was not surprised when they asked for questions and my daughter's hand shot up first. "How old do you have to be to be a counselor?"

I knew then that it would be a lot longer until we grew out of camp. And over the years I started to see something really neat. In a word "retention". The same staffers came back year after year after year. It's not a field that lends itself to that. When I was in college you were considered an "old-timer" at a camp if you were on staff for more than one season. In an occupation that lends itself to volunteer hours, small stipends, or minimum wage and draws from high school and college students to fill the ranks, it is not surprising to have a high turn-over rate - in fact it is expected.

But not here.

Here there is something different happening. The staff keeps coming back. Not only did they come back, but they started getting more applications than they had positions. Students work for a year as a volunteer to be considered as staff the next. Campers grew out of volunteer helpers and into staff in a natural progression. So many of them that the number of weeks middle school volunteers served has to be limited. Vertical ended up with more staff than some camps have campers. It is one of the first times in my life where I have looked at a ministry and said "here the workers are not few".

And I have seen some of the reasons why along the way.

Camp here looks at their people as valuable. They pour time into training, growing, and building their staff. And then after they do that, they listen to them. It is one of the first positions I've held where my voice actually counts. That is valuable. It plays out in the simple things. Asking staffers what their opinion is of a Miley Cyrus song on the playlist. Listening and acting on suggestions. Giving time to talk with staff and be available to them. Scheduling a full week of training before camp starts where the basics are covered and gifts are explored and developed. Making sure that camp is a place for everyone to grow.

That type of valuing and respect from the top filters down through the ranks. And people look to value each other. The environment is supportive and encouraging. And that in turn impacts our campers positively. I am sure that it could all be chalked up to best practices. But here it is more than that. I think it is Christianity in action:

love, 

joy, 

peace, 

forbearance, 

kindness, 

goodness, 

faithfulness, 

gentleness 

and self-control. 

That cannot be powered simply by doing what other successful leaders do.Real Christ-like-ness has another power source - a greater one than human best efforts. So I guess it should not surprise me to see something different happening here. Something bigger and more profound that what I have ever seen before.

But those things that are going right, they aren't limited to keeping staff on. There is a purposefulness here that I find refreshing. There is a type of thinking that slows down to consider that our children are constantly changing and the world they live in is different now than it was five years ago. It is a type of thinking that takes into account that our youngest campers have never known "Hannah Montana" a family friendly Disney TV show - they have only known the Miley Cyrus of the current headlines. It's the purposefulness that keeps a program age-appropriate and safe. It allows for appropriate touch in a way that the public schools no longer can. And  it thinks through how we approach our faith and passing it on. It is intentionality, and this coupled with a look at the details spells out L-O-V-E  -- the first in that list up above.

After a particular thought-provoking dissertation, in staff training I heard the young man next to me thoughtfully say,  "Maybe if we want a relationship with God to be our focus, maybe when we use the Evangi-cubes, our opening shouldn't be 'Are you sure you will go to heaven?'Maybe we should be asking a different question?" Not too shabby of an idea from someone a third of my age. Training, thinking, adjusting. . . it is healthy.

These are a quick glimpses of what I see going right here. There is care, thought, change, support, and community. Sure there are warts in the mix - every place has that. Yet I see something really cool happening at Zoom & Vertical, something that makes dealing with the sticky situations, the occasional frustrated parent, and the children, some of whom are hurting so much on the inside - worth it.

If I could talk to those frustrated parents, those hurting campers; I'd want them to see what I see. A community that is pouring themselves into its youngest members, a community that keeps coming back to care for campers in a way that only God can make possible. I'd want them to experience worship with 4,5, and 6 year olds - an experience that is joyful in a way that most adults don't have the privilege of experiencing. I'd want them to be able to laugh and play and have water fights and eat rice krispy cookies, and use facepaint. I'd want them to see a noisy joyful place that through it's care is pointing to the one who cares for us all. That's what I'd want them to see.

wwW Week 3: Bending not breaking

I'm sitting down to write this post and my first thoughts are that I don't know where to begin. It has been a whirlwind day of biting, hitting, scratching, bullying, toilet accidents, and beyond that some real hard issues. The things you can't fix - at all. The discouragement that comes when a plan to help a special needs child fails. A little one struggling when things at home are tense and intense and there's yelling and fighting from the grown-ups that gets taken out on them. Watching a friend struggle with a debilitating disease that is robbing him of mobility and ministry at the same time.

And a part of me just wants to have a good cry, fall into bed and face tomorrow when it comes.

But,

I made this goal of blogging                                                                                        

on Wednesdays                                                   

about what is going right.*

And God has sent me some pretty straightforward encouragement to keep doing that. From one of my favorite bloggers who talked this week about being a writer and "folding inward" ** to some folks I respect telling me that it was making a positive contribution, I need to write today. And I am praying that He will give me words right now.

Encouraging words.
Maybe even some funny words.
I'd settle, through this fog of fatigue, if what I write just makes sense.


Today on the way home my kids threw a CD in, and I needed to hear the song that came on.

And as I thought about it, I realized that there are still so many things God is putting in my life to make today a bending experience instead of a breaking one.

• My family, a husband who thinks nothing of loading the dishwasher and throwing clothes in the dryer.
• My girls who, tired from camp themselves, are willing to pitch in.
• Left-overs for dinner and cookies for breakfast.
• Playing dead ant tag. Only to be beat out by toilet tag.
• Worship music with preschoolers - who are singing and dancing. For real!
• Air guitar.
• Bible stories illustrated in legos: so very cool! Yep, I get as excited as the kids.
• Hot dogs, freeze pops, duct tape and puppets. Yes this line all goes together. "are we siblings?" I am still chuckling.
• The absolutely ingenious idea to sit in cardboard box "cars" and watch a movie pretending that it is a drive in. I believe God has a hand in Pinterest , because I so needed that respite today.
• Friends - the ones you can tell anything, and the ones you are getting to know better every day. And the ones who like Hee Haw.
• Still being able to find my sense of humor when a camper calls me grandma.
• One camp nurse who has unending patience, and office staff who have huge hearts.

The details that God brings into your life, the things he allows you to see and experience, from a snippet of misbehavior, that gives you a window on a child to the deep things buried from the dark places in my own childhood. I just cannot get away from the idea today that he has this all in hand. That it is orchestrated in this micro-cosmic scale by a God that knows about the bird that got hit by a car today on the road in. The God who knows how many blue hairs I have, how many bleached and how many were really grey before all of that.

Because I wouldn't have thought that my childhood ghosts could be used as a good thing. But today they were.

I wouldn't have taken seeing yet another camper misbehave as a good thing. But today it was.

                             bending
                             not
                       breaking

Insecurities, disabilities, scars from wrong choices - God can make it all work. And I am convinced that some day we will get to look back on this bendy path and see it as an amazing thing of beauty.



* I've had a few folks ask what the wwW stands for - it's a convoluted explanation that can be found here.

** Enduring and After - one of my favorite blogs, Deb has a true gift.

wwW - July 2nd

I love this time of year. And I'm loving the weather. Cloudy skies and refreshingly cool winds are my glory, and the dogs too on our morning walk through the park next to our house. There is a little thrill as I cross the bridge and go up the footpath on the hill to see the ferris-wheel and the flags and steel girders of the county carnival set up for the coming holiday. I love the 4th of July.

Don't get me wrong, I would probably die for the meanings behind Christmas and Easter. Those incredible, important holidays that have deep foundations in my faith - or at least the core of what they started as. But the little kid inside me can't get enough of the superficial fun at Halloween and the 4th of July. And yes I know celebrating concepts like national freedom, and the sacrifice it takes to obtain and maintain are not at all superficial. But if I am honest, most of my holiday will not revolve around that - though I am deeply indebted to our servicemen and women and the government that holds those values.

The 4th of July is about getting my house clean (yeah!). It is about having friends over. It is about good food. And yes around here it is about parades and carnival rides and fireworks.

When we moved into our home eight years ago over Thanksgiving weekend with the help of our friends from game group, we had no clue that one of the best fireworks displays in the state would be lit a half a block away in the park, or that the same park would host the carnival rides and food booths, and musicians that come with such civic celebrations.

I have loved sitting so close that you can see the firefighters lighting the rockets, you can feel the sound as well as hear it (a little bit left over from being raised by a military explosives expert I guess). And I love that every year we seem to get a new color thrown into the mix.(Last years was a bright turquoise.)

I am loving that it is a chance to entertain, to cook and bake. And this year I am really proud and excited that my children are undertaking key parts of the kitchen work. Fred 1 is going to be running the grill, Fred 2 has already made a batch of outstanding cookies, and Fred 3 is all lined up to help with the traditional deviled eggs. It is a neat thing to see your children growing into young adults.

I love it that we can open our home to friends. Our family is often too far away to come, but it is a neat thing to have friends that enjoy the holiday with us. For two introverts who grew up with very few friends, it is actually a surprising thing. 12 years ago we met a group of people who posted about getting together to game in our city on an internet bulletin board. I remember how nervous we were as a couple  to go and try that out.

We still meet regularly. We've been a part of weddings and housewarmings. We have talked the talk of parents with kids in the same age group, who all like games too. It is a joy to have friends. Some things from childhood hang on in that you find yourself consistently surprised. I will always be surprised how green Wisconsin is having been raised in a desert. And in this odd undercurrent of thought I am always happily surprised that every 4th of July we have friends who enjoy coming to our house.

So Christmas and Easter, they point me to those basal  things that God has done things that give a depth to my life that I cannot imagine being without. But the 4th of July points me to what I have to be thankful for within life itself: the fabric of friendships, calendar events, celebration, and the quiet walks in the park where there is a magic in the air before the rides start to twirl and the music starts to pound.

wwW - Week 2 Camp Zoom

Week 2 has been a little harder. Everyone is a little more fatigued. The needs have been more challenging, the misbehavior more obvious, more pervasive, and for me anyways, the muscles sorer than they were the week before.

Let's face it, there are some days where it is simply harder to find the positive than others.

And a little voice inside says that on those days it may be even more important to look for it.

The truth is that underneath the fatigue and the misbehavior of little ones that can push towards annoyance and frustration - is the fact that there is no place that I would rather work. I love camp. I have since I was a camper not much older than the kids in Zoom, and I've never grown out of it. I chose the college I went to a million years ago because it had a degree in camping. It has taken me time to get here, but that makes it something I want to savor even more.

I am slowly getting use to little bodies and am finding myself falling into a fascination with pre-schoolers instead of getting freaked out when some random little body plops itself on mine. My own dislike of being touched is slowly starting to get anesthetized. In fact I think I am starting to learn some pretty deep things from them that have been triggered by unexpected hugs and random encounters during quiet time.

Things like what trust really looks like. One little one had no clue who I was. I remember the movie stopping, the light going on, and a little face looking up at me and asking "oh, who are you?"

There isn't a whole lot of caution in that type of trust, no tentative behavior, no wondering if I've had a background check, or work well with kids,or have a cool hat. To be honest not much thought at all. I probably looked like a good big shadowy chair in the dark. It was the type of trust that was so entwined with simple action that it might be hard to separate the concept of trust from the act itself.

And I want to trust God like that. I want to throw myself at him when I'm in the dark and not even have to think about it. Those are the things I am learning this summer. I am learning to be hungry for a simple trust.

                                       Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
                                       and do not lean on your own understanding.
                                       In all your ways acknowledge him,
                                       and he will make straight your paths.
                                                                                       Proverbs 3:5&6

I think some days that verse was written for me - especially the leaning on your own understanding bit. I LIKE to understand. I like getting to know some of my little charges and find out what is driving them, why they are reacting and thinking the way they do. I want to go home and research strategies and behaviors and keep on experimenting in a quest to understand.

And understanding is not a bad thing by any means. But some days I come to the end of myself and realize, I'm not going to get that understanding.  And maybe that is because I need to step back for a minute and realize that this God we have is bigger than anything I am capable of comprehending.

I am learning that this God who does business in little things from the firing of nerve sequences in our brains, to which child is in which room with which peer group, is no less in charge of the details on a harder week than he is on one that is running entirely smooth (though I think that type of week might make me a little freaked out). He hasn't stopped weaving things together. I'm just in a place where it might not seem quite so obvious to my worm's eye view.

So what's working?
I am where I want to be, working alongside some amazing people, for the best goal I could think of, and I am learning a lot too: from ways to use touch to calm children to some deeper things rattling around in the maze I call a brain. Yeah, some things are working, and with God involved most likely they are way bigger than the ones I see that I think need to be fixed.

What's Working on Wednesday

I'm inspired by a young fellow I know in a wheel chair today who asked me what my favorite day was. His is Tuesday, mine like many I know was Friday (the promise of the break ahead is so tantalizing some weeks). Then he proceeded to ask me what my least favorite day was. It took me some thinking, but I had to admit that it was Wednesday (yes my energy levels do sag at that time). His was Friday, because he misses the teachers and friends from camp when he has to say goodbye. Did I tell you how sweet this little guy was?

So in honor of TGIF and tbt, I'm instituting another acronym that I actually need - WWW (Shhhh, I know it's already taken - but since I've seen only about 20 seconds of that world, and 20 seconds was about 15 too many for me - I figure I can use it anyways.) Maybe I should just uncapitalize it - www (uh - that's taken too), or use proper grammar wwW. Uhm yeah, It's been a long day can you tell?

You see I am an observer. I watch. Sometimes too much with too little action. And I think. And the combination often produces insight, but it also can produce criticism and negativity. I battle there. And some days there is no triumph in that battle. So, I am committing one day a week to blog about what I see that is wonderful; to what I see that is working; to what I see that speaks to the wellness that is still out there in life.

So without further ado, my first What's Working on Wednesday:

What could have been a stormy grey day with tensions and tornado drills came together with team-members who were so understanding and flexible that many of our young charges didn't even know it was raining. The staff set the tone and while there were yawns and some fatigue, the smiles and back massages were real. I'm working with such an amazing set of young adults and teens who are already well into the land of responsibility and leadership. They continually make me smile as I get to know them better each day.

And my kids.
My charges with special needs, some with physical limitations, some who think entirely different than anyone else in the room, so different that it can be a struggle to relate, so different that anxiety levels are constantly high. My charges were playing with their peers today. Socializing, integrated into games and dancing, and movie watching, and imagining. Knowing the alternative for these kids - my heart was soaring.

And it was moved when one of my different thinkers ran out to another camper who was crying in the middle of the gymnasium. He was saying "E281, E281" to her over and over. I didn't get it for a minute and ashamed to say that I initially thought that he was the cause of the tears. It was only afterwards that I realized what was really happening. E281 was the number by the door of the Camp Medic's station. My guy was helping. He was interacting and responding to distress in the way that he knew how to . He was fixing a problem. He was showing compassion.

The high point of my day was playing sharks and lifeguards with the parachute. It's a simple concept. A few people are chosen to be sharks - they are under the parachute, another few people are chosen to be life guards - they patrol the perimeter of the parachute. The rest are swimmers with their legs under the edge of the chute, using their arms to make waves in that brightly colored parachute ocean. Sometimes a shark drags a person under and they join the ranks. Sometimes the lifeguards save them by pulling them back before they disappear into the depths.

My little guy in the wheelchair next to me screamed as his chair rolled under the chute from a tug, and I darted under with him, all concern - he laughed at me. "You are supposed to scream when they get you." I laughed at myself then. We had a good time exploring that ocean looking for a swimmer to grab and make scream in return..

The last round I was totally caught off guard sitting next to his chair.  My legs weren't under the chute - I considered the two of us a single unit - his wheels were shark bait and I went along wherever he did. But four or five of our young campers didn't see it that way. Little sharks grabbed my hands and shoulders and started happily laboriously trying to pull my grown up bulk under the chute. I played along shouting for help from a lifeguard and waving my long legs. Looking up and seeing my guy doubled over laughing as I got my teen daughter instead of a lifeguard. She decided to join the sharks and helped them drag me under.

Somehow there was magic in that moment for me. For me personally. Oh we so underrate playtime. And laughter. And happy screams.

There has been another layer to what has been working, and it goes so far beyond the stuff that we have control over. Yesterday, I heard the crash of the table, the scream of a child, the gasp of volunteers running. Accidents, out of our control, never intended - they happen. But this time there was a young teen there to slow the descent of the table and a toy bin to take some of the impact. What could have been so serious turned into a bump and some scared people, myself included. I couldn't have caught that table or placed that bin, but God saw to it.

Tornado warnings, black skies, water coming from the heavens in sheets. Somehow it happened on the day after the Lego Movie was released on DVD and some leader with great foresight purchased it and brought it in. When you are 5, you don't care what the weather is when you are watching Emmett save the Universe. You can't convince me that it is all coincidence. So it is good to see the things that you have no control over in His hands.

Because it is always amazing to see what he is doing for us.

What really is important.

MICHAEL CARD

When A Window Is A Mirror


Albert is a friend I know
Who walks a shuffling way.
And you must learn to read his face
For he hasn't much to say.

But he carries 'round inside himself
The knowledge he gives free.
If you look through, not at, his life
A whole new world inside you'll see.

[Chorus:]
When a window is a mirror,
You see two ways at one time.
You look outside and see the land,
The mountains left to climb.
But also you can see inside
Your face suspended there
Behold your face, and see your place
And understand why you are here.

Each time I gaze upon this boy
There's something moves inside
I see my own deformities
No longer need to hide

And through his life
I look upon my life a different way
this freedom that he gives for free
Means so much more than I can say

[Chorus]

And Albert offers at no charge
The hope what life can bring
But what he freely gives us all
Has cost him nearly everything. . . .

One of our students in the special ed room passed away unexpectedly, tragically. After months of care we were all close, not family, but a reflected shade of it. And we are grieving the loss of one incredible life.

The world might not see a list of impressive accomplishments. Especially, from our room. We work with babies in middle school bodies. Ones you care for, who have no voice, who need to be kept from harming themselves and others. No list of academic prowess -- many cannot communicate with words at all.

And yet they have something sacred.

When life is pared down this far you get a new grid on what is important, you start to realize that accomplishments and abilities don't rate as high as existing and being loved.

I need to remember how important that is.


Existing, and being loved.

• it comes before the accomplishment of to do lists, both the mundane and the life goal varieties
• It comes in before an impressive resume or how many friends one has on social media.
• It comes before the dream job, or any job for that matter.
• It is ahead of life's relationships - because human love can add to the equation, but God's love outweighs them all.

And he loves these children. There are few truths that I have stumbled across in my cynical life without questioning and tearing apart, but this is one of them. I know to the core of myself that God loves these children.

So, my dear boy, know that you are teaching me still what is important, the things that are most important. I, who have fancy degrees and a vocabulary full of large impressive sounding words, am learning from you who have no words, just a beautiful smile, strong arms, and a heart of simple happiness. because you have existed and you are loved.

To Quentin, my Albert, you are missed.